Vicky Bates

After 18 years of marriage and career, we decided to adopt two babies. My oldest had many health issues which after 10 years led to a fatal anaphylactic shock. I believe that my spiritual beliefs helped me understand that the tragedies we face challenge us to confront our pain and slowly work through it. That is what I did through helping with hospice and watching the process of transition for the dying and seeing that even in the hardest times the gentle kindness of humor is a necessary tool.

Articles:

Connecting to the First Christmas

No money down, no interest and nineteen months to pay, the holiday season is upon us. No other holiday brings up so much emotion as Christmas. There is a rise in alcoholism, abuse and depression. No wonder we feel the pain of the loss of our loved ones at this time. I think about the simple story of Christmas. How Mary, ready to give birth, rode on a donkey for days in the cold, while Joseph walked along side to get to a town for a census. When Mary and Joseph finally got to their destination, the town was filled […]

After Son’s Death, Rising Above

Does the weight of death keep us from connecting with the vibration of our child’s soul? Immediately following the death of a loved one, our physical bodies take over. We are inert, laying in a fetal position on our beds. We are in shock, emitting wounded cries. It feels as if the “weight of the world” is on us and we don’t care to challenge that feeling. We have lost ourselves and given over to the dark, heavy blanket of hopelessness. As days and months pass, we ruminate about the events that led us to our abrupt transformation. That change […]

Accepting What We Cannot Control

“Control yourselves!” How many times did my little brother and I hear that from our parents growing up? As we got older, no one expressed those sentiments to us because we had somewhat “learned” as children to control ourselves through parents, schools, jobs and relationships. I think there has to be some sort of balance between powers over one’s self or others. Not that we want utter chaos, but we have become a world of absolutes. It’s funny we start out these pure heavenly spirit babies and end being taught to relate to everything from a sense of control over […]

A Higher Self

The cushions on my chaise lounge chairs have seen their last summer. Actually, they saw their last summer last summer, but I covered the worn seats by throwing some festive old serapes across the chairs to get me through another summer with the intention of buying new cushions and chairs next spring. Unexpectedly, the snow started to fall last week (really a big surprise since I live in the mountains of Idaho), and I knew it was time to put the summer patio furniture away, minus the cushions. I was about to head out after getting my gloves and coat […]

‘It’s Our Responsibility to Find Hope Again’

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad. — C.S.Lewis We put so much emphasis on our loss, and rightly so in the beginning. It is natural. The emptiness and pain that comes with the death of a loved one will remain our focal point as long as we let it. Don’t let your heartache […]

Hospice Volunteer Never Felt ‘So Close to God’ Before

I don’t think there is anything more gratifying then working with hospice. A few years after my son’s death, I decided to sign up for the training sessions, which surprisingly many people after they lose a loved one. I had started to write about my son and felt that working with hospice would be a good fit for me with my experiences. I came to realize during the classes that it wasn’t so much my personal insight about loss but my humor that would help lift patients and caregivers.  If someone is dying, why would they want some solemn person […]

Volunteering for Hospice Brings Us Close to God

I don’t think there is anything more gratifying than working with hospice. A few years after my son’s death, I decided to sign up for the training sessions, which surprisingly many people do in my position. I had started to write about my son and felt that working with hospice would be a good fit for me with my experiences. I came to realize during the classes that it wasn’t so much my personal insight about loss but my humor that would help lift patients and caregivers. If someone was dying, why would they want some solemn person taking care […]

Grief Styles: Women Verbalize, Men Internalize

Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher’s mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again. ~ Baseball player Jimmy Piersall, on how to diaper a baby, 1968 Fathers don’t always get the credit they are due. Is it because they are wired differently than women? When our son would get fussy in a restaurant, my husband […]

‘Heartbreaking Events Followed by Extreme Growth’

Why us? There seems to be an invisible cord that connects parents who have lost children. I can’t tell you how many times I’ll be in line at the post office or in a store and someone will mention to their friend about the child they lost. The other day I was at the grocery store and the checker was asking the woman in front of me how she was doing, referring to a loss. It turned out she lost a child. The woman behind me said I know how she feels, five years ago she lost a child. Wow, […]

Active Grieving Can Return Hope After Child-Loss

Why is change so daunting? Thinking about a transition when we are perfectly settled in our comfort zone is overwhelming at times. Sometimes, when our lives suddenly take a turn, we are like the unwilling family dog going to the kennel, being dragged by a taut leash into a new situation, our feet firmly planted on the linoleum floor, being yanked against our will toward the “unknown” back room. Many changes throw us to the proverbial winds. Job loss puts many people under tremendous stress and worry. The have to rethink what is important in their lives. They will be […]

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